Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column. This week’s winner of the Declassified Nominative Determinism Award (which is definitely a real thing) is Crispin Blunt — a former U.K. Conservative member of parliament who has been charged with drug offenses. Previous winners of the award include Hennie de Haan, former head of the Dutch trade union of poultry farmers, Bulgarian hurdler Vania Stambolova, and urologists A. J. Splatt and D. Weedon, who wrote a medical research paper on incontinence. Names are so important. Just imagine trying to win elected office in 2026 if your name was Hitler? It’d never happen … oh. Yes, the first round of French municipal elections shone a spotlight on one Charles Hittler (that extra “t” isn’t really helping) — the mayor of Arcis-sur-Aube, southeast of Paris. And one of his opponents was called Zielinski (Antoine Renault-Zielinski, not Volodymyr). Though Hitler vs. Zelenskyy sounds like the kind of thing that only previously existed in fan fiction spawned from the darkest corners of the internet. The French mayor isn’t the only Hit(t)ler on the political scene either. Last year, Adolf Hitler Uunona retained his seat in a local election in Namibia. After an earlier victory in 2020, he had told Bild he had no plans for domination, whether in the former German colony or globally. “My father named me after this man. He probably didn’t understand what Adolf Hitler stood for,” the Namibian politician said, rather terrifyingly. Hitler and Hittler aren’t alone in having names that should be electorally off-putting. There’s also Geoffrey Epstein, who ran unsuccessfully to be mayor of Framingham, Massachusetts last year, and is very clearly not the late convicted sex offender. And if seeing the name Hittler on the ballot is an unwelcome reminder of days gone by, for many, so is the return of warm beer. This week, Ed Miliband, the U.K. energy secretary, said pubs should serve warmer beer to save money on their energy bills. New advice from Miliband’s department suggests fridges containing bottled beer be turned off overnight — welcome news for lovers of traditional ales with names like Drunken Badger or The King’s Slightly Tipsy, though less so for younger drinkers of cold European lagers called Prost Malone or Manneken Pissed. CAPTION COMPETITION “And what are you doing to help protect the Strait of Hormuz?” Can you do better? Email us at pdallison@politico.eu or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope. Last time, we gave you this photo: Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze. “And I thought Orbán was our bogeyman!” by Tom Morgan

Paul Dallison writes Declassified, a weekly satirical column. The Bank of England’s announcement that historical figures will be replaced with wildlife on the next set of banknotes went down about as well as the phrase “I hope Germany win the World Cup” in an East End of London pub on a Friday night. The Bank held a public consultation on banknote imagery last year and the majority of respondents wanted nature on their notes (King Charles III will remain on the other side). On the current crop of notes are former Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill (£5), author Jane Austen (£10), painter J.M.W. Turner (£20), and mathematician and computer scientist Alan Turing (£50). What was intended as a way to refresh the look of the currency while also bringing in new anti-counterfeit measures has developed into a full-blown culture war. On the BBC’s “Question Time” politics debate show, one audience member blamed the Greens for wanting to ditch wartime leader Winston Churchill, even though it has nothing to do with any political party. The issue even brought together political rivals Nigel Farage of Reform and Ed Davey of the Liberal Democrats, who both slammed the move, as did countless other “everything’s woke these days” talking heads. But what should really be on the Bank of England’s notes? What do English and Welsh people (the good folk of Scotland and Northern Ireland have their money issued separately, even if it’s all legal currency throughout the U.K.) want on their notes? Here’s what everyone can surely agree on and what the illustrations on the notes will look like (please send complaints to the Bank of England, Threadneedle Street, London)… A NICE CUP OF TEA Everyone loves a cup (or mug) of tea — and that’s English Breakfast Tea (or tea, as Brits call it) with milk, not Earl Grey or matcha or, heaven forbid, coffee. The only option available is sugar. The illustration on the notes will be a cup of tea served on a saucer with a spoon on one side and a biscuit (not a cookie!) on the other side for dunking. A LIST OF WHEN THE BINS GO OUT Nothing unites British people more than complaining about how infrequently the rubbish (or garbage, if you will) is collected. While a logistical challenge for the Bank of England (as every local authority has its own refuse rules), a list of what day you are supposed to put out your regular bin, your glass recycling bin and your garden waste would be a tremendous public service, accompanied by a drawing of some wheelie bins, one of which has been knocked over. DAVID ATTENBOROUGH The perfect link between the historical figures camp and the wildlife camp, everyone in the U.K. loves David Attenborough, the 99-year-old biologist and TV presenter whose programs are a byword for quality. The illustration would feature Attenborough holding delicately in his hands one of the U.K.’s most common types of wildlife, a pigeon with one leg and a parasitic skin condition. QUEUING TO SEE THE QUEEN There’s been no better example of Britishness in recent years than people forming an orderly queue to pay their respects to the late Queen Elizabeth II. At its longest, the wait time was more than 24 hours, and when two TV presenters — Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby — were seen accused of skipping the line, they faced a backlash from which they will never recover. The illustration would feature the queen lying in state with an enormous link snaking through London, ideally with people grumbling about the manners of their fellow queuers. CHICKEN TIKKA MASALA Yes, British people love fish and chips and various types of brown stew, but nothing says multicultural more than a mild curry believed to have been invented by a Pakistani-Scottish chef to appease a customer who complained that his food was too dry. The Illustration will be a curry with rice, naan and 18 pints of fizzy lager.

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column. Some 170,000 people applied for as few as 1,500 EU jobs as part of the first hiring cycle for generalists in seven years. That’s a lot of people with dreams of sitting in an office building, listening to the Brussels birdsong that is the clang and crash of a construction site, breaking the lunchtime monotony by grabbing a sandwich with an inexplicable amount of grated carrot in it. There’s also job security, benefits and a lot of money, of course. Oh, and even a strong belief in the European ideal (cue images of butterflies and a chorus of cherubs singing). Applying for a role you have a vanishingly small chance of getting is rather terrifying, but at least it shows that there’s interest in a relatively old-fashioned type of job rather than, say, reviewing sandwiches on social media (and in this divided world, I’d hope we can all agree on immediate jail sentences for people who review sandwiches on social media). Another old-school job that’s clearly doing well — thanks to noted fashion expert U.S. President Donald Trump — is shoemaking. Apparently the American leader has been forcing his aides to wear $145 Florsheim dress shoes. “All the boys have them,” a female White House official told the Wall Street Journal, which wrote the shoe story. “It’s hysterical because everybody’s afraid not to wear them,” another joked in the same piece. Incidentally, Michael Jackson also wore Florsheim shoes. Trump and Jackson! That either means the company has great PR or terrible PR, depending on your point of view. Anyway, the great shoe giveaway led to photos of U.S. Secretary of State Marco Rubio wearing a pair that are clearly far too big for him. It’s like an Oval Office version of Cinderella, where the person whose foot fits the shoe gets to go to the (golden) ball with Prince Uncharming. At the time of writing, Rubio hadn’t thrown a shoe — or shoes — at Trump in the manner of Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zaidi, who in 2008 hurled his footwear at then-U.S. president George W. Bush at a press conference in Baghdad. Though Vice President JD Vance did once reveal that Trump said: “You know, you can tell a lot about a man by his shoe size.” Indeed you can, mainly his height. Perhaps Trump will now look more favorably on Margrethe Vestager, the former European commissioner he described as that “tax lady” who “really hates the U.S.,” after she fined Apple $14 billion over illegal tax breaks. As POLITICO reported last year, Vestager now has her own line of shoes — the Margrethe Boot from shoe company Roccamore — and she’s even been modeling them on billboards. But at least Vestager looks cool. In 2024, Rishi Sunak — hurtling toward the end of his tenure as British prime minister — apologized to fans of Adidas Samba sneakers after being accused of ruining their credibility when he was pictured wearing a pair. Even worse, David Cameron — best known for being accused of putting his genitals into a dead pig’s mouth, but who you may also remember for Brexit and as one of Sunak’s predecessor’s as British prime minster — was once pictured in a pair of black Velcro Converse. CAPTION COMPETITION “German slap fighting champion moves on to the semi-finals of the European championships after easily defeating his Czech rival.” Can you do better? Email us at pdallison@politico.eu or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope. Last time, we gave you this photo: Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze. “Von der Leyen reassures new Dutch PM that she has his back.” by David Kemp

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column. A confession, dear reader: Many years ago, in a journalism class (editor’s note: really?) in Dublin, the lecturer said that “British people can’t type,” and I — a British person who can type at speeds sometimes exceeding 10 words an hour — said nothing. As was for me then, so is for German Chancellor Friedrich Merz now. This week, Merz — a man who was once congratulated on his tan by none other than U.S. President Donald Trump himself — was back in the Oval Office, sat in near-silence as the FIFA Peace Prize-winning American leader and bombing enthusiast threatened to “embargo” Spain for not spending more on defense and for condemning U.S. strikes on Iran. That’s made Merz about as popular in Spain as the incorrect pronunciation of paella. Incidentally, I initially misread the name of the U.S. mission against Iran, Operation Epic Fury, as Operation Eric Fury. Turns out there’s an American hip-hop artist called Eric Fury, who has songs called “World Wide Web Of Lies” as well as “Tax Return” and “Tax Return 2.” Imagine how angry he’d be if he had to fill in a Belgian tax return! It’d be a double album. I digress. Merz also remained silent as Trump slammed British Prime Minister Keir Starmer on an array of issues — “this is not Winston Churchill that we’re dealing with,” he said — and threatened to escalate his trade war with Europe. To be fair to Trump (editor’s note: are you feeling OK?), Starmer really isn’t Winston Churchill; he’s not even Owen Churchill, who invented the flippers that divers wear. But Merz isn’t the only leader who has sat and watched as a supposed ally is slammed. Four long years ago, Josep Borrell, then the EU’s top diplomat, went to Moscow and stood idly by as his host, Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov, called the EU an “unreliable partner” and accused the bloc’s leaders of lying about Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny’s poisoning. To make matters worse, just after that awkward news conference, Borrell learned from what was then called Twitter (and is now called Hell, I believe) that Russia had kicked out three EU diplomats for attending demonstrations in support of Navalny.  Borrell was then forced to suffer a far worse fate upon his return to Brussels — being called to explain himself before members of the European Parliament! And let’s not forget the 2021 diplomatic incident that became known as Sofagate, when European Council and Commission big cheeses Charles Michel and Ursula von der Leyen met Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan in Ankara. The two dudes took the two available seats, leaving von der Leyen on a somewhat nearby sofa. Perhaps Michel didn’t say anything about the diplomatic snafu because his polo-neck was too tight. CAPTION COMPETITION ” New Dutch PM puts on a brave face at launch of European Commission’s cloning experiment.” Can you do better? Email us at pdallison@politico.eu or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope. Last time, we gave you this photo: Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze. “Voilà! In France, austerity is pronounced oysterity!” by Giovanni Cellini

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column. You can do pretty much anything in the European Parliament: wear a dog muzzle, release a dove, or actually do some work during constituency weeks. So betting is almost certainly allowed on the Parliament premises, which is good news as it’s time to take bets on … when we will see the first AI-powered EU lawmaker (and feel free to make your own ‘there’s no intelligence in the Parliament’ joke). Speaking of what you can do in the Parliament, on Thursday evening a rave was held on the premises hosted by MEP Lukas Sieper, who recently announced that he was joining the liberal Renew Europe group (once his national party approves the move). The far right were not invited! Declassified wasn’t invited for a different reason, being too cool (are you sure about this? — ed) and so can’t provide updates on what a liberal rave looks like, but presumably it involves playing music at a reasonable volume, ends at 9.30 p.m., and features a lot of Moby. It wasn’t Sieper’s first on-site rave, although in the past booze was provided and the current invitation said you had to bring your own alcohol (a sign the cost-of-living crisis has reached the hallowed halls of the Parliament). But back to betting. The next EU election will be held in 2029, and my €10 is on AI candidates being on the ballot then (although the Parliament has spent roughly a century debating the introduction of transnational lists — in which MEPs represent the entire EU rather than one country or region — and nothing has happened). The EU risks falling behind. There’s already been an AI minister for public procurement in Albania, while an AI bot called Gaitana is on the ballot in an upcoming election in Colombia.   Think of the benefits to the EU! It would save taxpayers a fortune on expense payments and Strasbourg hotel bills; you could guarantee attendance, even for the dullest of debates (unless the Wi-Fi goes down); and you could just mute your political opponents (is this a good thing? — democracy ed). If it’s not to be an MEP, then how about an AI commissioner? Ursula von der Leyen has been trying to remove dissenting voices from her top team, so perhaps the next step is to replace as many of them as possible with a tech alternative. People have been asking for years if the EU can please speak with one voice; well, that’s now within reach (for all that the voice would be a weirdly robotic one). Out of sheer respect for his longevity, any AI commissioner would have to look like Maroš Šefčovič. Speaking of the rise of the machines, researchers in Japan have made a robot monk powered by AI that they say can dispense spiritual advice. These days, whenever I daydream about escaping the Brussels bubble and starting a monastic life, which happens about every 43 seconds, it features babbling brooks and perhaps some chamomile tea. But definitely no robots. CAPTION COMPETITION ” Seems tasty, high-class and a little different from the norm, but can quickly lead to feelings of nausea or even downright illness … and some oysters.” Can you do better? Email us at pdallison@politico.eu or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope. Last time, we gave you this photo: Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze. “No Emmanuel, it’s over now, I’m happier with Melania.” by Kylian Vadet

President Donald Trump says he’s directing the government to release classified files about UFOs and extraterrestrial life in response to a spike in interest in the subject caused by one of his predecessors in the White House. Trump announced on social media Thursday that he would direct the Department of Defense and other agencies to release the material days after former President Barack Obama suggested in an interview that aliens are “real” though he hadn’t seen any. “Based on the tremendous interest shown, I will be directing the Secretary of War, and other relevant Departments and Agencies, to begin the process of identifying and releasing Government files related to alien and extraterrestrial life, unidentified aerial phenomena (UAP), and unidentified flying objects (UFOs), and any and all other information connected to these highly complex, but extremely interesting and important, matters,” Trump said in the social media post. Asked in an interview published Saturday about the existence of extraterrestrial life, Obama said aliens are “real but I haven’t seen them” and debunked conspiracy theories about a government facility in Nevada housing an extraterrestrial life form. “They’re not being kept in Area 51. There’s no underground facility unless there’s this enormous conspiracy and they hid it from the president of the United States,” Obama told podcast host Brian Tyler Cohen. Obama later clarified in a social media post that he meant to suggest that “the universe is so vast that the odds are good there’s life out there” and reiterated that “I saw no evidence during my presidency that extraterrestrials have made contact with us.” Trump criticized Obama’s comments Thursday afternoon, telling reporters he believes Obama wrongly revealed classified information. Often the subject of government conspiracy theories, questions around U.S. contact with UFOs broke into the mainstream following a 2021 report from the Office of the Director of National Intelligence detailing dozens of instances of U.S. Navy pilots encountering unexplained aerial phenomena dating back to 2004. That report became the central focus of a 2022 House Intelligence hearing that featured declassified videos and descriptions of those encounters.

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column. It’s finally happened! The European Parliament’s monthly commutes to Strasbourg have long been criticized for the cost to taxpayers, but have been staunchly defended by the French on the grounds that tarte flambée is delicious, which is a fair point. But now that the eastern regions of Alsace and Lorraine are no longer part of France, the Parliament can be based purely in Brussels, with no more annoying, long journeys (although it was all worth it when, in 2023, a train carrying hundreds of MEPs and European Parliament officials took a wrong turn and ended up at Disneyland Paris). Yes, France is now a different size. Presumably, after causing a distraction by wearing those sunglasses, Emmanuel Macron was able to take over parts of Belgium and Spain without anyone noticing. Alas, he simultaneously lost a couple of eastern regions (albeit ones that were basically German anyway). At least that’s the version of France presented by the National Basketball Association, which introduced French superstar Victor Wembanyama at its All-Star Game by showing a very outdated map of France. “I want to reassure our neighbors, we did not provide the map,” Macron tweeted in response to the NBA’s gaffe. The NBA has always been political, and that shows no sign of slowing down. At a game in London last month, the rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner” was interrupted by a heckler shouting “Leave Greenland alone”, which led to cheers and applause from the crowd. The London game came as the NBA eyes expansion into Europe with a planned 2027 launch in cities around the continent. Team names being considered include Paris Arrogance, Brussels Bureaucrats, and Berlin Bloody Hipsters. However, Wembanyama wasn’t the most impressive athlete of the week: that was U.S. Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who posted a workout video with Kid Rock (or Trad Bunny as he’s sometimes known). In the video, which is, astonishingly, not AI-generated, Kennedy does push-ups, rides an exercise bike and gets into a tub while wearing jeans (maybe he’s a ‘never nude’) and then drinks some milk (a caption helpfully points out that it’s “WHOLE MILK” and none of that woke milk that young people drink). At no point in the video does Kennedy snort cocaine off of a toilet seat, even though earlier this month, he admitted doing just that. Oh, and it was toilet seats, as in more than one toilet seat, which raises the question, “Does snorting cocaine off toilet seats lead to parasitic worms in the brain?” The European Centre for Disease Prevention and Control needs to tell us! CAPTION COMPETITION ” Anonymous couple refuse to comment when asked if they enjoyed the ‘Melania’ documentary.” Can you do better? Email us at pdallison@politico.eu or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope. Last time, we gave you this photo: Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze. “After the presidency? Back to my Village People cover band.”   by Giovanni Cellini

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column. The premise of the TV show “The Traitors” (or “De Verraders” in the original Dutch version): lock a bunch of people in a castle and get them to perform a series of tasks in exchange for the chance to win a bunch of money. However, some of those present are designated as ‘traitors’ and must do their best to eliminate the competition without being found out. The premise of the EU leaders’ retreat at Alden Biesen castle on Friday: basically the same, except with a couple of former Italian prime ministers banging on about how much better things were in their day. Being asked to go to a retreat in the Belgian countryside in February to talk about red tape with grumpy Uncle Viktor was perhaps the least appealing invitation to a castle since Dracula held his monthly cheese and wine evenings — “if possible, bring a vulnerable friend. Starts at 9 p.m. sharp, and I do mean sharp.” But it didn’t stop António Costa from booking the EU’s top politicians — well, some of them — in for a bonding session at a castle in between the wedding of Luc and Elisabeth and a corporate away day for employees of a mid-sized accounting firm from Hasselt (probably). Not everyone was keen. “I can’t do it … I’m dying, it’s too cold!” Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni, not unreasonably, told reporters on her way into the retreat. A member of one national delegation who, alas, would only speak to my colleagues if both their own name and the name of their country were withheld was not happy with the location or the lack of parking at the castle and called the entire thing “logistical bullshit”, which is also the EU’s motto (nugae vehiculariae). Would the disgruntled leaders have been swayed by the food offering? Starter was ‘king oyster mushroom carpaccio with a pepper emulsion’ (isn’t that just raw mushroom?) and dessert was a ‘medley of fresh fruits with sorbet’ (which is either a fruit salad given a fancy name or is fruit playing little bits of its greatest hits). There are, of course, ways to make team-building exercises (sorry, high-level meetings on the future of Europe) more interesting. How about a hologram of Silvio Berlusconi, the ghost of sex parties past? In 2023, a hologram of the ex-Italian PM was used in the small town of Paestum to celebrate “Berlusconi Day,” on what would have been his 87th birthday. Or you could book Kid Rock for a performance. Rock (how on earth do you refer to Kid Rock on second reference?) is fresh off his MAGA Super Bowl halftime show for people who don’t like foreign languages and could perform hits such as “Don’t Tell Me How to Live”, a favorite of Viktor Orbán’s, and “U Don’t Know Me”, as sung by whoever is this week’s Romanian prime minister. Mr (?) Rock also once guested on a song called “Get Your Lips Off My Beer”, a searing indictment of the single market. CAPTION COMPETITION ” If you thought my sunglasses were cool…” Can you do better? Email us at pdallison@politico.eu or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope. Last time, we gave you this photo: Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze. “Germany’s Eurovision entry can’t wait for the big event.” by sdsddsd

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column. It’s finally time for the Winter Olympics, which is just like the regular Olympics, but you have to wear an extra pair of socks before heading to Milano Cortina — incidentally, also the model of my first car. There’s no shortage of controversy surrounding the winter games, of course, especially after U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) confirmed its agents would be assisting with security. It sounds terrifying — although, if events in Minneapolis taught us anything, it’s that ICE agents have a propensity for falling over on actual ice. Interestingly, military patrol was an actual Olympic sport at the 1924 games in Chamonix, France. It involved teams cross-country skiing, mountain climbing and shooting, making it marginally more treacherous than walking from one end of Rue de la Loi to the other in a light drizzle. And if the Olympics ever did bring it back, those ICE agents would pretty much be guaranteed a place on the podium. Military patrol’s potential return to the Olympics would also mean Superman has a chance of winning his first Olympic medal, as Dean Cain, who portrayed Superman in “Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman” in the 1990s, is now a member of ICE. The actor had made headlines in July 2025 for calling the latest Superman film “woke,” after its director described the superhero as an immigrant. Indeed, Superman was born on the planet Krypton and his birth name was Kal-El, so he’d be exactly the sort of person ICE would be looking to deport. There’s more to Winter Olympics controversy than just ICE, though. There’s also penises! As detailed in Declassified last month, the World Anti-Doping Agency is now investigating claims that some male ski jumpers have been injecting their genitals with acid in order to enlarge the penis and get larger ski suits — a larger surface area means more fabric to catch the wind, and therefore potentially further jumps. Asked by this column if the scandal, dubbed Penis-gate, had been blown out of proportion, the World Anti-Doping Agency hung up the phone. The World Anti-Doping Agency is, of course, the sworn enemy of the World Pro-Dope Agency, whose head, rapper Snopp Dogg, was in Italy as an Olympic torchbearer. As the games begin, the EU will doubtless come up with an alternative Olympic medals table, showing how great it would be if member countries competed under a single flag rather than those pesky national ones. And if the EU did ever organize the Olympics, the following sports would be added to the program: Skating on thin ice, where centrist political parties skate in circles with their eyes closed, hoping the far right will just glide off into the distance; Après-ski, where the gold medal goes to the last person standing after a night on the Aperol Spritz; Nordic Combined, a Danish-Finnish-Swedish voting bloc; and Bobsleigh, in which Slovakia’s Robert Fico and Slovenia’s Robert Golob are pushed down a hill. CAPTION COMPETITION ” Comedy German meets president of the Carnival Association.” Can you do better? Email us at pdallison@politico.eu or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope. Last time, we gave you this photo: Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze. “Bloody gap year students.“ by Angela Wainwright

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column. TV advert voice: “Coming soon, the album you’ve all been waiting for: ‘Donald Trump and Nicki Minaj’s Covers Record.’ Featuring hits like… ‘Ice Ice Baby’ by Vanilla Ice, ‘Tiny Hands’ by Fiona Apple, ‘Orange Crush’ by R.E.M., ‘Opposites Attract’ by Paula Abdul, ‘Something Stupid’ by Frank and Nancy Sinatra, ‘Daddy’ by Beyoncé, ‘(Baby Baby) Can I Invade Your Country’ by Sparks, ‘I Just Can’t Wait To Be King’ from the soundtrack to ‘The Lion King,’ and (sadly) many more. Available on Spotify and in all bad record stores near you.” This week saw rapper Nicki Minaj — whose hits include “Super Bass,” “Starships” and “Anaconda” — cozy up to U.S. President Donald Trump, whose own hits include “Covfefe,” “SAD!” and “Threatening to invade Greenland.” The rapper, born in Trinidad and Tobago, declared herself Trump’s “number one fan” on Wednesday, showing off her “gold card” visa, which offers applicants residency and a path to U.S. citizenship for the sum of $1 million — a relative bargain compared to the $1 billion asking price to join Trump’s Board of Peace. The mutual love-in also saw Trump joke that he would grow out his nails to emulate the rapper, then hold her hand while another speaker took to the podium. Ahh — unless you look at the footage, then it’s more urgh. Trump’s musical taste seems to extend only to those who say nice things about him. That’s why he’s no fan of Bad Bunny (who will play the Super Bowl half-time show on Feb. 8) or Green Day (who will play before the game begins). He told the New York Post they are both “terrible,” adding: “I’m anti-them.” The president also said he was skipping this year’s Super Bowl because the venue — Santa Clara, California — is “just too far away.” Stating how much you love Trump, it’s fair to say, isn’t common among musicians these days. Bruce Springsteen released a song called “Streets of Minneapolis” this week about the violence in the city and the killings of Renee Good and Alex Pretti by federal immigration agents. It’s a powerful song that mentions “bloody footprints, where mercy should have stood, and two dead left to die on snow-filled streets.“ Springsteen’s song also contains the line: “King Trump’s private army from the DHS, guns belted to their coats, came to Minneapolis to enforce the law, or so their story goes.“ Though this is slightly undone for me — and surely only me — by the fact that I always confuse DHS (the U.S. Department of Homeland Security) with DFS (a British discount sofa retailer that’s had a sale on for decades). Trump’s no fan, of course, and has previously called Springsteen a “dried-out prune of a rocker.” Meanwhile, Neil Young gave everyone in Greenland free access to his music and documentary archive to “ease some of the unwarranted stress and threats you are experiencing from our unpopular and hopefully temporary government.” Young also reiterated his objection to Amazon due to CEO Jeff Bezos’s support for Trump. In October, the musician had announced he would be removing his catalog from the streaming platform Amazon Music. Young has form here, having similarly called for his music to be removed from Spotify in 2022 because the streaming giant hosts podcasts by Joe Rogan, who has come under fire for spreading medical misinformation. After that news, I had tweeted that Young’s most famous backing band is Crazy Horse and Rogan has taken the drug ivermectin, a horse dewormer, which resulted in a mass pile-on by the American right — and this was before the platform became X and a burning dumpster fire being pushed off a cliff by Elon Musk. CAPTION COMPETITION ” A little horse?” “Well, I have been doing a lot of shouting recently.” Can you do better? Email us at pdallison@politico.eu or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope. Last time, we gave you this photo: French President Emmanuel Macron chose to wear sunglasses at the World Economic Forum due an eye health problem. | Harun Ozalp/Anadolu via Getty Images Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze. “I wish the Americans would turn off that blinding orange light on stage.“ by Tom Morgan